Thursday, November 24, 2005
10:47 PM
I'm feelin awful...giddy and all after eating dat shytty cough medicine...Instead of making me feel better, it's makin me cough even more...Kns. Haix. The bloody doctor waste my time...i went there yesterday, it wasn't open. I went there today, the nurse tell me the doctor won't be back until Saturday,but i can get the medicine. WTF. Called my mum and she didn't believe me. So i decided to pass the phone to the nurse and let her explain. Shyt her. Why can't she just believe me!? This sorta thing i also wanna lie to her isit! Tmd...Xiang le jiu qi! @%$$%& Urgh. Whatever. I quarrelled with her again. Fuck it.She keeps askin me stupid qns. She likes to rummage through my bag recently. Shyt. I hate it when people invade my privacy without permission. Even if it's my very own mother. My days couldn't be any better eh...-.-
I've filled up the application form for Starbucks! All i can do now is to wait for a reply from Huixin who will help me ask her manager..Well, if Starbucks don't work out for me, guess i'll seek my dad's help...He told me he'll be able to get me a job easily....We'll see how it goes...Seems like there're a lot of people who'll be workin in Tampines area....April got a job at Cafe Cartel! Ah meng, i tink ish Swensons....=))
I lay on my bed for hours today after reaching home...did loads of thinking. I realised i've led a bad life all along. I didn't do anything good so far tat was worthwhile looking back on i guess. I suddenly felt as if i've been a failure who doesn't know what to do with my life. I remembered Isaac asking me what i hoped to achieve in my life...Seriously, i don't know now. I don't know how to live the present. I guess i'm one who'll always tend to look back and live in my past. I'm just lost. I even realised i don't think before i do certain stuffs. I do them in a fit of eagerness and when it dies, everything just comes back to square one...All the enthusiasm just dies off. Haix.
So much things has chanced upon me during this period of time..I had to juggle personal problems and studies. It wasn't easy...Not a wee bit easy.People believed that i'm strong and will grow stronger after tiding over the numerous crisis. Not many knew what happened. Even those who knew didn't know everything. Facing the passing away of my godmother. Facing a broken relationship and dealing with a broken heart. Facing the risk of having my parents divorcing each other. Facing the numerous conflicts i had with friends. Facing the kinda impression i have to impose on others. Facing important examinations i had at hand. Facing MYSELF. It was too much for me to take i admit. I've managed to tide over the crisis but i haven recovered from them totally...deep scars have been imprinted definitely and scars remain where they are.
I cry quietly thinking about my god mum. I cry quietly when i hear my parents quarrelling in the middle of the night. Who knows i do? No one.
Someone asked me why have i lost faith in relationships. I couldn't give an answer. It's just fear. Just a feeling inside me that's keeping me away from them. I don't know why myself and i guess i never will.
There are so much things that keeps me thinking. But i will never have answers to these questions on my mind. Who will be able to answer them for me?
[i longed for a hug. There wasn't anyone to give it.]
[i longed for a heart to heart chat. No one understands me, so what's the point]
I'm jus dreading the days i have to live my life lyk dat....
some hearts are meant to be broken;;
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